The Lamentations of the Prophet Elon
Against his unjust persecution at the hands of the wicked
“Tesla is a peaceful company, we've never done anything harmful. I've never done anything harmful, I've only done productive things”. Elon Musk, 18.3.25
NEWSFLASH: The Trump administration has released a previously unknown book of the Bible, a companion to the Book of Job: The Lamentations of Elon.
THE LAMENTATIONS
There was a man in the land of Us, whose name was Elon; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil and laboured night and day and the next night also and demanded of his labourers that they do likewise.
And there were born unto him and his many wives seven sons and five daughters and one who began as a son and became a daughter and hence was an abomination unto Elon. And his youngest children called he them X Æ A-Xii, Exa Dark Sideræl, and Techno Mechanicus, for these were names that would be given to no other children, so might he know them if he ever met them again.
His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand dungless camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and 340 billion dollars: a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the west. And the east. And the north. Best not mention the south.
No man was more beloved of our Lord, having donated a thousand camels, 300 million dollars and the work of an hundred he-asses to His Glory.
But there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them.
And the Lord said unto Satan, you again, I thought you were Stephen Miller for a moment, whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the Lord, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it and playing much golf.
The Lord said unto Satan, a propos of not much Hast thou considered my servant Elon, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright not to say remarkably generous man, one that loveth me, and escheweth evil? In fact like no man ever before in the history of this and every other Universe, believe me?
Then Satan answered the Lord, and said, it is hardly surprising that he loveth thee. Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. But let’s see how he responds if things goeth tits-up for him. Will he love thee then? Shall we test that proposition?
And Satan wagered the Lord who (as we have already found out) is a jealous God, two casinos and a golf course - fashioned by levelling the Garden of Eden - that Elon would be brought to curse his name. Deal, sayeth the Lord.
So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord and would have smote Elon with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown but bethought him at the last moment that there might be less disgusting ways of going about things.
So it came to pass that Satan moved the Sabeans and the Chaldeans and the men of Gath (where one may not speak of it, whatever it is) to fall upon the works of Elon, to desecrate his temples yea even with slogans and red paint, to shoot with arrows at the dungless camels and to set fire to the chariots of his customers.