Learning to love the bully

A modest case for changing one's mind

Times change and maybe so should one’s assumptions, even some of those that are most cherished or firmly held. Especially those that are most firmly held; not least when you discover to your dismay that a significant number of your fellow human beings – most as sensible as you are – simply no longer share your beliefs.

Many of us hold almost militantly to a notion of the superiority of liberal – one might almost say feminine – values. And one of the most entrenched of these attitudes concerns the unacceptability of bullying - bullying is always and everywhere negative and bullies must be opposed. In this country over recent years we have invested a lot of money in these propositions. In the five years up to 2021 the last government gave £3.5 million to charities campaigning to prevent bullying, mostly in schools, and more has been spent since.

One major recipient was the National Children’s Bureau, which received money to fund its “United Against All Bullying” programme. Its focus (in its own words) is on “reducing bullying of those most at risk: children and young people with SEND, children and young people who experience racist and faith-targeted bullying, sexual bullying, homophobic, biphobic and transphobic bullying, looked-after children, young carers and those on free school meals.” A list which many will think reflects the increasingly unpopular priorities of the now-passing era of ubiquitous DEI. There is even a national anti-bullying week which in 2024 took place in November. You may have missed it amid all the US election excitement.

But when you think about it more deeply, is it axiomatically true that all of what we label bullying is bad and that all bullies are to be resisted or driven out? All I am asking here – and I fully expect the well-funded anti-bullying lobby to object vociferously – is whether we shouldn’t re-examine these assumptions?

I consider my remarks about President Trump ill judged and wrong. Times and attitudes towards the president have changed since then.. I think he has won fresh respect. He certainly has from me. Lord Mandelson, January 2025

Let’s imagine that we are talking to a child who has heard about bullying at school and is nervous in case they might fall victim to it. They know of cases of children having their dinner money taken from them, or even their dinners. Some have had their lockers trashed, one was even stripped naked and had his head held down into the toilet while it was flushed, yet others have been taunted relentlessly about their physical features.

Rather than just say “report the bully” to authorities who may well be far too busy with the proper business of actually educating children, might it not be better in the first instance to advise your child to try and understand the bully?

I don’t mean his family trauma, the dominating father, or the loveless mother. Or even the bully’s psychological insecurity – we can take those for granted. A lot of motivation – including artistic and entrepreneurial abilities – can arise from a suboptimal upbringing.